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Funniest ‘Cricket’ Things Ever Said

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Here is a list of some of the funniest things ever said in the sport of Cricket. These may have been said during a game or by a player outside the field of play, but cricket is the common link here. Some of these are just plain stupid, while others really witty, while  some just inadvertent double entendres. The point is they will make you smile.

 

Yorkshire 232 all out, Hutton ill – I’m sorry, Hutton 111.

– John Snagge (During the News)

 

Ray Illingworth has just relieved himself at the pavilion end.

– Brian Johnston

 

Welcome to Worcester where you’ve just missed seeing Barry Richards hitting one of Basil D’Oliveira’s balls clean out of the ground.

– Brian Johnston

 

He’s usually a good puller – but he couldn’t get it up that time.

– Richie Benaud

 

If you go in with two fast bowlers and one breaks down, you’re

left two short.

– Bob Massie

 

It is important for Pakistan to take wickets if they are going to

make big inroads into this Australian batting line-up.

– Max Walker

 

It was close for Zaheer, Lawson threw his hands in the air and

Marsh threw his head in the air.

– Jack Potter

[…and thus began Sleepy Hollow]

 

Laird has been brought in to stand in the corner of the circle.

– Richie Benaud

[Pythagoras, Euclid, Archimedes and Benaud, the great geometers]

 

On the first day, Logie decided to chance his arm and it came

off.

– Trevor Bailey

[‘Off’ to a great start then]

 

Q: Do you feel that the selectors and yourself have been

vindicated by the result?

A: I don’t think the press are vindictive. They can write what

they want.

– Mike Gatting

[Gatt outta here]

 

There was a slight interruption there for athletics.

– Richie Benaud (referring to a streaker)

 

The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey.

– Brian Johnston

 

Q: Darryl, who are your favourite actors?

Cullinan: Dustin Hoffman and some Aussie bowlers in the act of

appealing.

 

He’s just got a monu­ment­ally big handle… so to speak
– Charles Dagnall

 

Michael Vaughan’s beside me, it’s not easy put­ting a rub­ber on is it?
– Jonathan Agnew

[Depends on how long the handle is]

 

Broad’s in, he bowls, this time Vet­tori lets it go out­side the off stump, good length, invit­ing him to fish… but Vet­tori stays on the bank… and keeps his rod down, so to speak
– Chris Jenkins

 

There’s Neil Har­vey stand­ing at leg slip with his legs wide apart, wait­ing for a tickle.

– Brian John­ston

 

A very small crowd here today. I can count the people on one hand. Can’t be more than 30

– Michael Abrahamson

[His career as commentator was short lived, but he made a killing once he joined the circus]

 

Strangely, in slow motion, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer

– David Acfield

 

What we have here is a clear case of Mann’s inhumanity to Mann”

– John Arlott (On South African bowler “Tufty” Mann causing England batsman George Mann problems)

 

Bill Frindall has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator”

– John Arlott

 

He played a cut so late as to be positively posthumous

– John Arlott

 

The first time you face up to a googly you’re going to be in trouble if you’ve never faced one before

– Trevor Bailey

 

The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It is long and square

– Trevor Bailey

[Make that Pythagras, Euclid, Archimedes, Benaud and Bailey the great geometers]

 

There are good one-day players, there are good Test players and vice versa

– Trevor Bailey

 

… and Howarth takes his guard with one ball left.

-Brian Johnston (When play resumed after John Snow had hit Glen Howarth in the box with the fifth ball of an over causing some distress to the batsman and several minutes delay)

 

The slow motion replay doesn't show how fast that delivery was - Richie Benaud
The slow motion replay doesn’t show how fast that delivery was – Richie Benaud

 

It was an excellent performance in the field marred only when Harris dropped Crapp in the outfield.

– Unknown (Lidsay Crapp was the Batsman who was dropped)

[Harris was downcast, but atleast he left it all out in the field]

 

I don’t think he expected it, and that’s what caught him unawares

– Trevor Bailey

 

No captain with all the hindsight in the world can predict how the wicket is going to play

– Trevor Bailey

 

The hallmark of a great captain is the ability to win the toss at the right time

– Richie Benaud

 

Gatting at fine leg – that’s a contradiction in terms

– Richie Benaud

 

His throw went absolutely nowhere near where it was going

– Richie Benaud

 

I think the batsman’s strategy will be to make runs and not get out

– Richie Benaud

 

This shirt is unique: there are only 200 of them

– Richie Benaud

 

How can you tell your wife you are just popping out to play a match and then not come back for five days? - Rafa Benitez
How can you tell your wife you are just popping out to play a match and then not come back for five days? – Rafa Benitez

 

England’s pace bowlers are making the helmet go out of fashion

– Scyld Berry

 

In the rear, the small diminutive figure of Shoaib Mohammed, who can’t be much taller than he is

– Henry Blofeld

 

I don’t ask my wife to face Michael Holding, so there’s no reason why I should be changing nappies

– Ian Botham

 

It couldn’t have been Gatt. Anything he takes up to his room after nine o’clock, he eats

– Ian Botham (on the Mike Gatting barmaid scandal)

 

After their 60 overs, West Indies have scored 244 for 7, all out

– Frank Bough

 

Too high?! If the ball had hit his head it would have hit the bloody wickets!

– Alan Brown (Reacting to a denied LBW appeal against 5ft 3in Harry Pilling)

 

The other advantage England have got when Phil Tufnell is bowling is that he isn’t fielding

– Ian Chappell

 

Three bad days does not mean you’re a bad team overnight

– Paul Collingwood

 

The Queen’s Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests—absolutely round
– Tony Cozier
[Actually forget Pythagoras, Euclid and Archimedes, its and Benaud, Bailey and Cozier the great geometers]

 

The ball came back, literally cutting Graham Thorpe in half

– Colin Croft

 

Who could forget Malcolm Devon?

– Ted Dexter (Referring to Devon Malcolm)

[How about Ted Dexter?]

 

I don’t like defensive shots—you can only get threes

– WG Grace

 

They came to see me bat not you bowl

– WG Grace (While putting the bails back on his stumps after being bowled first ball)

 

As he comes into bowl, Freddie Titmus has got two short legs, one of them square

– Brian Johnston

 

For any budding cricketers listening, do you have any superstitious routines before an innings, like putting one pad on first and then the other one?

– Tony Lewis

[Do you have any superstitions, like first think then talk?]

 

And we don’t need a calculator to tell us that the required run-rate is 4.5454 per over

– Christopher Martin-Jenkins

[One end of the intelligent human species]

 

This ground is surprising. It holds about 60,000 but when there are around 30,000 in, you get the feeling that it is half empty

– Ravi Shastri

[This is the other end, and everything else is in between]

 

Gul has another ball in his hand and bowls to Bell who has two

– Christopher Martin-Jenkins

[The lesser known -A ball in Gul’s hand is better than two in Bell’s- phrase]

 

I’ve seen batting all over the world. And in other countries too

– Keith Miller

[Quite the space traveler to distant planets and their nations]

 

Michael Vaughan has a long history in the game ahead of him

– Mark Nicholas

 

And there’s the George Headley stand, named after George Headley

– Trevor Quirk

 

We’ve won one on the trot

– Alec Stewart

 

The only change England would propose might be to replace Derek Pringle, who remains troubled by no balls

– The Times

 

People only call me ‘Fiery’ because it rhymes with Fred, just like ‘Typhoon’ rhymes with Tyson

– Fred Trueman

 

That’s what cricket’s all about: two batsmen pitting their wits against one another

– Fred Trueman

 

That was a tremendous six: the ball was still in the air as it went over the boundary

– Fred Trueman

 

Go on Hedley, you’ve got him in two minds, he doesn’t know whether to hit you for four or six

– Arthur Wood to Hedley Verity

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